6 more days to go

I can't wait to see my 阳光男孩。

Because my day does not shine anymore. He tries hard to shine upon me, but I put up the blinds to block the sun. Jeez. What am I thinking.

Knowing that I am heading home in 6 days but I don't seemed to be happy.

There are so many things happened lately that I don't even know how I got myself into the shits. I feel as though there's a big wave keep on pressing and pushing on me, and I am drowning, suffocating and drenching in the water, waiting for a slim chance to get a breath of fresh air, hoping to be pushed to the shore. My guess is when I see the shore will be the time I see the person who picks me up at the airport.

I have been losing contacts with a few friends of mine. I did not pick up calls, I did not reply messages, or I tried hard to ignore or avoid them. Nope, they have done nothing wrong. It's just me. I hate to answer them how's things have been going, how's certain people have been doing. I found myself being uncomfortable answering those questions as I can no longer be my true self in front of them. I hate to fake the things that I am telling them, I hate the fact that I know what's been happening but I can't share with them, I hate to be a faker/impostor or whatever you want to call it as. When I can't share my true feelings/facts/things have been going on, I chose not to tell or not to say anything at all. In this way, I do not have to feel bad for myself, I do not have to be a faker as I say nothing at all.

Yes. I say nothing at all.

But, me, being a human after all, has to find a way for myself to unleash the guard dogs that have been staying in the hutch for a while. (guard dogs are big in size while the hutch is small in size; the stressors are enormous and strong while my heart is tiny and fragile.)

And I guess, this is the way.