Do not bother to read

Finally I find some times for myself to write something. I have been busy working. Well, not really, it's only 40 hours per week, but it's killing me. I used to work 13 hours each day during the summer, but now I feel exhausted every time after 8-hour of work.

There is no doubt that I love my current job. But sometimes I do ask myself, is this job too much for me to handle? You know that most of us worked hard in our job hoping our boss to notice our effort; in this job I was hoping the other way round. Instead of wanting my manager or supervisor or other staff to see how hard I have worked, I am hoping there is someone to see or witness together with me whenever there is incident happening. How if I was accused that I abused/treated the kid badly? How if the kids plan a trap for me to fall into and later accuse me with whatever reason they have come up with? How if it was my mistakes that have made the kids suffered? How if...How if...?

Every night before I go to bed, a lot of things go through my mind especially on the day when a lot of incidents happen. Kid pulled the fire alarm, kid tried to run away, kid punched his/her peers, kid bit staff/peers, kid got restraint, the kids' screaming, crying sound. A lot of us as a counselor would have asked ourselves, would the situation have been better if we handled it in another way, could we have done differently to control the situation, could we...could we..?

I definitely do not feel good when I listen to a kid screaming at me telling me "I hate you Ming" like million times. I definitely feel sad whenever I heard that the kid whom I thought he was always been good blew up in school by hitting the tutor, throwing chairs and tables, and screaming like nobody business. I definitely feel helpless and depress whenever I thought I could have helped them better but actually I made it worse. I definitely feel weak and dumb when I don’t know how to help them, or cheer them up. I definitely feel sad whenever I can’t offer them the kind of loves they want to receive from their family.

Days like this I just feel like talking to people who close to me. I chose not to talk to Airene as she has her own things to take care of (we have the same job). The person who I wished I can talk to or at least try to understand me, never seemed to have some times for me. Sometimes it makes me wonder how much he knows what I am going through. My best friends are all in Malaysia. I wished that time like this I can just chill out with Pam by eating jagung. I wished that I can have LilGap’s words that always keep me comfort. I wished that I can have Jacob to share with me words that always keep me hopeful. I wished that I can have WeiYong’s singings that always keep me warm. I wished that I can talk to Ted more as he can understand me like no one does. I wished that Andrew can provide me free petrol (Ah, this is so irrelevant). I wished that WeeJian can just be here but not in Malaysia. I miss WeeJian like gila only. How can he run back to Malaysia when we are sharing family plan for our phone? I miss those days of our daily phone conversation where he can rant to me about his job while I can bitch to him about school and my relationship. What I love about my best friends are they do not judge, they listen, they help me to see the situation better, they help me to analyze, they care, they share, they try to understand, and the best thing is they do not make decision for me. Gawd, I miss them.

Maybe I should stop rambling.

Not long ago, WeiYong sent me this message.


This is the kind of message that always makes my heart goes.....AaaaWWwwwww.....