;)

we bitch, and bitch, and bitch. she is still a darling to me afterall.

they are the reason for me to remind myself how blissful i am. very blessed.

not to forget edwin. he is in my heart, always.

hey. it's not dead.

this blog is not dead like what tinki said.

i was just lazy. and now there's facebook, twitter and all that.

but i will start to be rajin again.

how about start from right now..eh..hehe...

hello!

Hello people! It's been so long! I can't even keep up with the project 365. T_T

anyway, it;s going to be a long post.

it's 22:13 now. i am feeling lonely. very very lonely. edwin is not here. randall is not here. darren is not here. the mat-salleh floor mates are all not here. the fact is, everyone has gone to Ibiza, Spain for a 3-day holiday. without me, yes, without me. well, edwin did not leave me here alone on purpose. i chose not to go and i didnt want him to stay either. reason 1, the visa issue. reason 2, its time for us to have some space from each other and i need some quiet time too. ibiza is famous for sex and drugs. sweet. its not like he will do either one of them, i am just missing his presence in this room you know. i feel so much more colder in this room without having him here with me. weird as i usually feel very hot at night and sometimes i even sweat. whatever, he will be back tomorrow night and i will be working from morning to the evening, time will go by very very fast. i hope.

you know what is weird. from seeing each other zero day to sticking by each other 24/7. from celebrating none of the big days together to spending valentine's day, his birthday and our 2nd anniversary together. ok, lets start from feb 4th, the day i left seattle. i was feeling anxious then. very sad as i dont think i was ready to leave america. very excited as i get to see bf in another 12 hours. actually i was very worried and tensed on meeting edwin again. i was worried about the first meeting after so long. worried about his OCD-ness, talking about this, i even had to call noriko when i was at the airport to have her to bring me the lint roller, because i didnt want edwin to see there were like plenty of my hairs/dog's hairs/dust on my coat. =_=

so i arrived in london on feb5th. weird. the british slang and everything. saying cheers instead of thank you. then i flew to manchester. finally, after so long, after heard so much about manchester. i was very excited to see edwin and randall. the first hug was great. the scenes back then seemed kinda blur to me except the scene where the two poor guys with my heavy broken luggages. then i reached the place where he lives (it's a student accomodation). i have always seen his room through the webcam and finally got to see the real room. ehhe. it's kinda spacious (not anymore, cos it's filled with my stuffs!), he has his own bathroom, 6 rooms shared a kitchen and living room. very nice, just like a humble hotel you know. i am very glad to see all the letters from me are pinned on the board, our picture frame is on the table. (:

i still remember the moment when he picked up my hand and then held me close. i was shy then as we last held hand was like months and months ago. everything is great. we go grocery shopping. we cook and eat together. we go travelling together. he introduces his friends to me. he shows me the places where he usually hang out at. i attend classes with him (i kinda sneaked in. =p). all in all, we spend quality times together.

so yea, i am here in manchester for almost 2 months now. he makes me fall in love over and over again. everytime he smiles, my heart melts. i hate to say this but i can tell you that i am afraid or dont even want to be in a long distance relationship anymore. having your love ones by your side is just so great, when you are sad he is there for you to hold and you feel as if everything is going to be alright, no more virtual "*hugz*" which you can only receive from msn. its true that we often have quality conversations on msn but what is different now is we can look into each other eyes while having those conversations. i used to be so shy that i cant even look at my love one when he is singing (be it to me or just singing for fun), but now i just cant take my eyes off him when he is singing as he is so cute that i cant resist. hahahahahaahhahaha.

i think i have crapped enough. lemme upload some photos!

this was taken on my last day (supposingly la).

deli randall never failed to cheer me up. the person that i constantly talk to, be it when i was in america or now here in manchester. i never feel bored with him by my side eh. when edwin is not available for me, he is always there for me to disturb! he is that kinda friend that i want to keep like, erm, forever. (:

the city/town hall in manchester city center.

i think we took this when we just gor back from Edinburgh.

the tower bridge. it was so windy and chilly.

nah. my favorite person.

darren on the left. the person i hang out with other than edwin and randall la. ish.

(:

i feel so blissful, feel so loved, and i think i am under a love spell. (:

#5,6,7,8

div align="left">project 365 #5 March 14th, 2009: dimsum

yummy dimsum. good company of friends. but upset stomach. damn pms.

project 365 #6 March 15th, 2009: kennysia

it was a very very very very brief meeting. it was so embarrassing as i did not know the direction of manchester town very well considering i have been here for a month plus now. =_=

project 365 #7 March 16th, 2009: banana pancake

"Can't you see that it's just rainin' There ain't no need to go outside But baby, you hardly even notice When I try to show you this song It's meant to keep you From doin' what you're supposed to Like wakin' up too early Maybe we could sleep in I'll make you banana pancakes Pretend like it's the weekend now And we could pretend it all the time Can't you see that it's just rainin' There ain't no need to go outside"

project 365 #8 March 17th, 2009: good friend

i miss you all. i miss you weeeeeejiannnnnnn.

#2,3,4

project #2 March 11th, 2009: farewell

it supposed to be a farewell for me but i chose not to fly. (:

project 365 #3 March 12th, 2009: out of boredom

he crafted my name with the banana skins. and i made his with the orange peels. sweet.

project 365 #4 March 13th, 2009: refreshing

a pretty flower, a happy me.

project 365

Ha! I am doing it too!

so here it goes....

project 365 #1: March 10th 2009

today is my very last day in manchester. aih. time flies. it's been like 5 weeks? to stay or not to stay? uh.. and.. that's the roses on our 2nd anniversary. (:

stupid cupid

Happy Valentine's Day ;)

gong xi fa cai

wishing you a prosperous year!

on LDR, again

watch this video for those who are in LDR. it's so trueeeeeeee (at least to me la!), and it's hilarious at the same time.

have you taken notes:
-remain social
-talk it out
-VOIP (very useful and cheap! msn or skype not that bad either la actually)
-express yourself

good luck in your ldr!

for Airene

Bitch (this is just how we call each other...), this is for you!
I walked in the cold winter day to the Starbucks to do this!!
I went through pictures in the facebook one by one as I dun have my external hard disk with me.
=(
But it's all worth it!!
Call me when you see this!! you'd better huh!!!

reminiscence

this is the first post in year 2009. lets make it sweet.

remember there was once i received those love notes from him like back in some time last year? i finally finished reading them! they are too precious to me and i actually only take them out to read when i am really really really extremely upset about things or missing him. i am busy packing up lately cos i need to ship my stuff like tomorrow, so i decided to read all of the notes! i was smiling all the way when i was reading them, i was thinking like, gosh where did he copy the notes from, gosh why is he so adorable, gosh no wonder i love him so much, lol. anyway, now i read all of them, unfolded the love origami obviously, and i didn't know how to fold them into love shape again!

btw, this is one of my favorites:

Dee (now you know what he calls me), you must be really tired today as you keep 'running' through my mind, and on the other hand i must be a really bad 'shooter' as i keep 'missing' you!hahahaha i love you ***** (this one too geli, lol). love, edwin.

lol. anyway, he promised to fold them into love origami again the next time i see him!

anyway (why so many anyway one), i finally opened up to him yesterday. like you know, the anxiety that i am having. honestly, i am getting very anxious as i am going to see him again, erm, like very soon. i told him i am getting really worried about things like how if the flight crashed and things happened and i don't get to see him. and i really dont want to be like what happened last time. T_T like i get very very sensitive over things.. T_T.. paranoid.. and all those very stupid things...

T_T then he called me silly girl, always think of those nonsense, always get other people business into our relationship (which is very true la. hahahaaha), and let others influence our relationship then la la la la ( he is very long winded one!). but truthfully, ever since we got into those drama last year (wow, last year..hahaha, as if it was so long ago), he is now very very very caring. oh well he claimed that he has always been that caring. hmm.

there are times that we have serious conversation, but there are times we make fun of each other. like you know lately he calls me daisy and i call him donaldee, lol.. but the other day he called me duckling and i hate it because somehow i think that duckling is ugly... T_T ... ooohoooo i love that guy so much.

enough of craps, i should go to bed now. more packing tomorrow. byebye!

bye 2008

it's that time of the year again. i am glad that it's the end of year 2008. my quarter life crisis came early. it started this year and i prayed that it will end by today as of 31st december 2008. i actually had a not-so-bad year, but it definitely not the best year in my life. it's been a rocky year; it helps me to understand the line "life is like a roller coaster".

early this year, it was my first time to step into the working life. in this job, it gave me a lot of firsts. my first experience in getting punches, bites, kicks, verbal abusive words (no people actually cussed or swore at me before, i am very serious about this). my first time in dealing with police officers, fire department, medical person, and also my first time in seeing real fire happened in front of me! and they were all related to sweet innocent kids.

the money i was earning this year was little (working with non-profit will not make you rich). however for the peanuts that i was earning, it was sufficient for me to pay for my own bills. for the first time in my life, i did not have to depend much on my family. but sadly, i did not earn enough to send home some money. T_T

i kinda shut down myself this year. i became very quiet. i did not share a lot of my feelings. i might appeared to be a very happy girl, well, i was not. it was all cover up. when looks can be deceiving, well, expressions can be too. i only chose one or two friends to listen to me when i was really down, other than that i just kept it to myself, and i dealt with my own problems.

i almost become an alcoholic and a drug addict (partly wasn't true). until this point, i think i am making a lot of people started to worry about me. =_= oh well, i noticed that i drank a lot this year. i drank with colleagues after works. i felt like drinking whenever i was down. i AM addicted to stouts. i am glad that we did not store liquor in our apartment, so a lot of times, they were just the thoughts of getting drinks, but i did not drink in the end! Hee! as for the drug addiction, it's all because of my sleeping problem. a lot of times, i am very tempted to take sleeping pills. but i did not, cos i was lazy to walk to the pharmacy to get them. so i never had any sleeping pills, but by just having the thoughts of getting those pills is very very bad.

it was actually a depressing year. i missed home so much. my very last grandparents passed away. my dad admitted into hospital and i can barely do anything about it. it got me so worried, i cried when i heard my dad was crying over the phone on freaking father's day. i told mom i need a break, and i went home during summer. it was good to see my family and friends again. And was excited to see bf after such a long time, but was anxious at the same time. i was being extra sensitive to whatever he said or whatever he did not say or do. i called off the relationship a few days before i had to see him. i cried almost every freaking day when i was in penang and i bet no one even noticed about that except my close friends. then it came to a point where i had to make a decision on whether was it worth to fly to KK to see him and not to waste the air ticket that he had already bought me. i was glad that i did fly to see him. i held back my tears so badly in front of him, i wanted to say "hey i love you" so badly but we two were holding it back. i guess we were worn out because of the long distance relationship. until one morning i burst into tears and from there we talked about it, and since then things were great. we got back together and i swear that trip was one of the best in my life!

then back to the states, i was busy with works. i am not happy with works though, there are a lot of reasons but whatever it is, Jan09 is my very last month. i decided to go home as well. i was glad that i made the choice, at the same time, truthfully, i was upset with a broken american dream where i once fought so bad to come over here. well, one day i will be back here, who knows rite.

year 2008 could be a tough year for me but it helped me to see that i was blessed with a lot of nice people around me. i have a long thank you list, but to a few of specific ones:

uncle&auntie, for taking good care of me when i was in portland.
kelly&peh, you guys are so nice and kind! thank you so much for taking me around in seattle and also introducing me the job!
bitchy housemate, thanks for keeping the drama between girls to minimal (LOL), thanks for keeping me accopmpany when i am lonely.
weejian, i hardly say nice things to you but you know i treasure you a lot. thanks for being there for me, and keep me comfort when i cry. i enjoy being '8' with you!
jacob, you are the best listener, you listen and you do not judge. me heart you big big time.
jamie, if only i could understand you better. but you never failed being a great friend to me.
randall, thanks for always encouraging meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! i owe you big one.
pam, keep blogging la you.
sean, you never failed to make me smile. why do you always appear when i am at my loneliest day? ngo oi nei, arrrrrrrrrr. lol
to the one that name shall not be mentioned, you know who you are and your one tight hug makes my day seems brighter. =)
wayne&andrew, i heart you too, especially weiyong. wahahahaa

of cos my zhuzhu also, you make me realize that my life wasn't that bad afterall. wahahaha. i love you la. =p

last but not least, to my donald duck. thanks for believing in daisy when she almost gave up on you. dee, i love you, i really do!

bye la year 2008. i don't want to think about 2008 anymore.

year 2009 treat me better will ya! hopefully this coming new year will bring me a good job, more family times, teach me to love better, a better photography skill, not be broke anymore (i am poor but i am rich in love, mind you), teach me to be patient and kind... there are so many things that i want to do in year 2009. i am so ready for it.

rock on year 2009!

season of love

I know it's the same picture I posted in Facebook, hehe, I am pretty lazy. =)

给我，你 （们）的一封信

最近工作都不开心的。生病了，要请病假也得想了三番四次。 终于请了病假，在家里休息却感到愧疚。 最近干什么事都提不起劲的， 好无聊哦。 脑子里塞满了一堆ideas, 提起了笔却写不出心中的感受，也画不出想要表达的情绪，也说不出一个所以然究竟发生了什么事。 有时候我在想，如果我是那些小孩有多好，不喜欢就可闹别扭，生气了就随性的发泄情绪， 再不来就把自己躲在一个角落搞自闭。 可是回到现实生活中，我却不行； 就因为我是个成年人， 有责任感的成年人。我是一个不喜欢多做解释的人，也不喜欢对某些人做无聊的交代； 人家对我再多的误会，我都学会了一笑而过。随着年龄的成长，也学会了什么事情都好都要看开一点， 从那里跌倒就从那里爬起来，要相信明天会更好，一次的失败代表着又一次的学习。人往往就是嫌恶的，知道你满面笑容过得好好的，他那嫉妒的心就在想要怎样把你那一面面的笑容慢慢的撕下， 人就是那么的自私。还好，我知道也领悟这个道理，愈强要则强， 没什么事情是解决不了的， 再难的问题也有它解决的方式。 我可不是好胜，也不是野蛮， 更不是顽固。我只是知道，未来的日子会怎么样都归于我手中，我可以轻易且不责任的把它画下句点，我也可以毫无意识的过着每一天，但是我选择了快快乐乐的，也要尽我所能的创出一道彩虹来。 人有时候就需要那么多一点点的勇气，多一点点的爱，把自己的人生活得更精彩， 所以啊，从来不要对朋友吝舍的给与关怀，你可能会发现施比获更幸福。我自己呢就挺幸福的啦，子威都对我很好，很想把我的幸福与你分享， 不过话说回来啊，只有你一个人能左右自己的未来，要活得精彩还是遗憾， 就在于你的选择。

梁静茹- 给未来的自己

站在狂風的天臺一望無際
這一座孤獨的城市
在天空與高樓交接的盡頭
誰追尋空曠的自由

陽光覆滿這一刻寧靜的我
隔絕了喧囂和冷漠
川流不息的人遊蕩在街頭
誰能聽見誰的寂寞

找一個人惺惺相惜　找一顆心心心相印
在這個宇宙　我是獨一無二　沒人能取代

不管怎樣　怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣　至少我很堅強　我很坦蕩

夜幕籠罩燦爛的一片燈海
多少人多少種無奈
在星光裏遺忘昨天的傷害
一覺醒來還有期待

我不放棄愛的勇氣　我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住　一個最美的夢　給未來的自己

一天一天　一天推翻一天　堅持的信仰
我會記住自己今天的模樣

有一個人惺惺相惜　有一顆心心心相印
拋開過去　我想認真去追尋　未來的自己
不管怎樣　怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣　至少我很堅強　我很坦蕩

我不放棄愛的勇氣　我不懷疑會有真心
我要握住　一個最美的夢　給未來的自己
不管怎樣　怎樣都會受傷
傷了又怎樣　至少我很堅強　我很坦蕩

未來的你　會懂我的瘋狂

i don't know.

i don't know how should i begin, nor how should i end it.
i don't know what should i keep, nor what should i throw away.

......

a broken american dream

not really.

i made the choice, didn't i?

sup

sup. i m at work again. another overnight shift. life is boring lately, nothing much happening else from drowning myself in work. if only there's 48 hours a day. i need massage. more times for myself. to do a little bit drawing or doodling. maybe a little bit cooking. to do laundry. to walk around downtown. to take more pictures. to do a little bit catch up with friends. more pak-thor-ing. practice japanese. more drama. to sing k. to play with my phone. more blogging. to clean up my room.

my room is so messy that i don't even want to live in there anymore.

welcome to obamanation

was working at girl's program today (teenager girls) and we have been sticking our butt on the couch and glueing our eyes on CNN for the latest election result. the girls were all so anxious omg. they were like having obama camp in the program. it was especially nervous for all of us when his electoral votes were sticking at the number of 207, it then suddenly jumped to 293 votes and he was announced to be the next president.. the girls were like jumping and shouting for joy and i definitely saw some tears at the corner of the eyes.

most of the american citizens they were so into politics ok, i mean at least the people around me. this colleague of mine was asking me about who do i support yesterday. i was like obama. she asked why so. i was like i don't know i just think that mccain is too old lol. then she was like "to me, family value is very important...." then she kept explaining to me she will vote on whoever that have stronger family value. then i was like i wonder who has a better view on love and relationship. at that moment i can feel that she must be thinking its useless talking to me... =p

anyway, my point is, america is ready for a change, and i wonder when it's malaysia's turn?

oh ya. obama delivered a very powerful speech too. =p

happy belated halloween?

or, maybe merry christmas?

i can't decide who sing the better "the christmas song", michael buble or christina aguilera or josh groban or jesssica simpson. hmm.

today we brought kids out for trick or treats. everyone looked so cute can. and i dressed up like a computer nerd. it was a successful one. first, randall saw me online he was like "you are super nerdy". then i went to school to get this girl outta school, when she saw me across from the classroom her expression was priceless. then for the entire day i kept hearing kids saying i am like a nerd. haha. my $9.90 was kinda worth it.

been so busy lately. i hardly had any me-time. my work place is like my first home. T_T my schedule not even the same as that tan airene anymore. she is leaving soon. T_T so soon. i am leaving with her. i want to. i want to i want to. go home. probably not. probably manchester. hmm. edwin is going to rome, venice, and milan. argh. i swear to myself no matter how he tempted me i shall not be influenced. next year dee i will be there. (;

oh i learned to knit lately. my first masterpiece is a scarf. a lovely scarf for someone special. pictures later, after he received it. heheheeeeeee. knitting is so addictive though. and it's not cheap at all. for the price that i paid for all the yarns, i can probably get a lot of ready made scarfs from the store. oh well, it's the thought that counts right. (:

what else what else... oh ya... my life in the states have been interesting. i am glad that i have the chance to deal with 911, the fire department, the emt, the hospital, the police officer... what else my job gonna offer me. the doctors in children hospital are so cute. the firemen that came today look hot. aw, i am sick. people make me sick. lol

you know ar, the thing that i hate to hear from my friend the most is..."eh do you want to join us for tonight gathering? me, lik, suat and ted." knowing that i can't be there for sure, don't tell me la........ T_T but honestly, i miss you guys a lot arrrrrr. jamie la, weiyong la, andrew la, weejian la, suat la, ted la, lik la, rishant la, juliana la, i miss the gang. i wonder things will still be the same 10 years down the road. but one thing i know for sure, thing will not be the same when one gets a gf or a bf. you know like jamie, hclf one. i am not that good either. aih.

i am actually getting paid for blogging. because technically i am working right now. it's 4:42am. i am so freaking tired. i am done with all my tasks. i am just waiting for the clock to strike 7am and i can leave. go back to my lovely bed before i have to work again on the same day at 4pm..until the next morning 7am. lol. it sounds tiring. but truthfully, i always feel so tired at the end of the shift, but when i got home and read all the messages that edwin left for me even it was just one line, i felt so energetic right after. and i end up staying up instead of going to bed. T_T

and honestly, i think i have sleeping problem. you know like disturbed sleep. lots of dreams and got woken up easily. a lot of friends around me rite they are actually consuming sleeping pills to go to sleep, some of them even take shots to go to bed. i hope i will not end up going to pharmacy to get sleeping pill. it's kinda stressful sometimes when you know you gotta work certain hours the next day but you just cant seem to go to bed no matter how tired you are. it's very very frustrating.

it's only 4:50am right now. 2 hours and 10 more minutes to go. probably i should do my monthly report, but i am lazy.

you know... my mom always tell me that she feels as if she has already lost a daughter, she says i dont miss home nor care for them. it's pretty sad when i know that. well you know don't say a person never miss you or care for you, you never know how much a person is actually missing you or even care for you, it probably just never been expressed you know.... i learned that from the past relationship. lol... but this is not something to laugh about... =(

mommy if you are reading this...i really miss home...sometimes how i wished that you will just ask me to go home...

it's 5am. 2 more hours. i can do it.

5:36am. i hate myself for not making time for myself just to go walk around and take pictures of autumn leaves.

24th SurpriSe biRthDay PaRty!

so ariney and noriko worked together-gather to organize a surprise birthday party for me. i've got so touched ok although it was not expressed on my face. lol. aireny even created a private event in the facebook and invited my friend which i had no idea at all. T_T

i kinda know there's a surprise for me on my birthday but i didn't know it was that extreme T_T. i was really really really happy can. their mission was to get me drunk as their mission accomplished T_T. it's a bad idea to show your friends that you are a high tolerance drinker on normal days, because some day they wll revenge one T_T.

so they got me to puke a few times, and until today i denied that i was drunk. because i remmbered what i did on that night. i remembered dialing edwin's number and aireney talked to him and i also rememembered telling them i wanted to go for dimsum the next day T_T.

to cut the story short, lets look at the pictures!

i think the balloons look lovely.

everytime i was given a new drink, i had to check it out what was that first.

too happy i think.

pressie from eric!

notice the different drink everytime.

these are the reasons..... T_T

i totally ruined the cake. lesson learned, never asked an almost drunk birthday girl to cut the cake.

a new drink.

hmmm..yummy drink.

hence, a happy girl.

i got so touched after reading all the messages in the socks?

my bucket of drink and aireney.

i was so so so so so so surprise to see them!!!!

noriko and kahlua in the choco cup!

1 year old....~

haaha.. a really great surprise to see Jayme on my birthday!

and of cos kelly and peh keong!!

Amers and Doney!!

Lindsay and shellieeeee~

Antooooni!!!

almost gone liao la T_T

it was really really great to see both of them again!

Nori, me, shellie and someone behind who was acting cute.

austin and anna the therapist!

Aaron!! He is very sweet!

ok i noticed that i did not upload eric's picture. but i am lazy liao. well.... it was a fun fun fun fun fun night!! I love it!

the greatest thing is, i did not have hang over and airney woke up later than me!! LOL